The Expert’s Guide to Pool Party Etiquette

The sun is out and it is hot.

It’s pool party season, and we don’t want you making a fool of yourself, so here’s a guide to pool party etiquette:

  • don’t get too pissed
  • don’t piss in the pool
  • have some sense of spatial awareness
  • use suncream properly
  • resist the urge to canonball

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Photo Source: thump.vice.com

Swimming pools, like chip shops, pubs, and branches of Games Workshop are quiet sanctuaries in an otherwise chaotic and uncaring world. And like those other spaces, they let us conduct personal rituals in public places, letting us believe, for a minute or two, that who we are is right and just and true. Prefer Tyranids to Eldar Harlequins? Fine. Got a predilection for pickled onions bathed in curry sauce? You’re the boss. No one’s going to bat an eyelid if you want your Guinness topped up with dry roasted peanuts. And, honestly, if the method you’ve developed for getting your bollocks dry after an early morning splash involves talcum powder and a GHD, then good on you mate. Get them as dry as you can. Dry those pendulous, swinging bollocks, son.

Obviously, swimming pools aren’t just a way of letting men dry their balls in public. You can swim in them! Dive in them! Piss in them! You, famously, can’t heavy-pet in them but pretty much anything else goes. You can even, if you absolutely must, party in them.

The idea of a pool party is a seductive one, beaming, as it does, visions of toned and tanned Californians whooping with delight straight into the mind’s eye. There’s pastel skies and the click of cracking Budweisers, Camel-branded trunks and cocktail jugs, a golden-hued picture of the purest kind of paradise.

That, of course, is the imagined version of the pool party. The reality is a little different, a little less glamorous, a little less Beverley Hills 901210. Rather than being surrounded by Tommy Hilfiger models called Chad atop the roof of a shabbily-chic hotel, you’re dodging discarded doner kebab debris in a Croatian paddling pool next to what might be the bloke who played Tony’s brother in Hollyoaks.

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